when history repeats…

Sometimes we can say that when history repeats, we have another opportunity to learn; like a test being re-taken. But as my own history is being repeated, I feel like this is not a test, but more like insight to see where there is still very necessary healing needed.

As I am remaking mistakes and thinking about the repeatedness of a situation, when I have considered it as a test to be re-taken, I have lost hope and found that I have wounds that are loud and shouty with painful attitude that stop me even trying to take any test. So then as I have sat and thought about why I am allowing madness a seat in my life, I thought that maybe there are still gaps that need to be filled and not despised and that this is some intel for deeper development and not just for behaviour modification.

Most people know the theory of making better decisions for most situations- if you want to lose weight then exercise and eat less, or if you want to develop a friendship or relationship then you need to spend time and energy… Knowing what to do is not really ever the issue- it is putting into practice what is is we know is best for us.

So if we know that drink and drugs is no good for us (for example), it doesn’t mean that it is simply that we stop drinking and using drugs and that’s it- all sorted. There is a deeper process to go through, otherwise we may end up just be exchanging one issue/need/addiction for another.

In all honesty, I don’t know what to do as it seems too deep and beyond me, but I know that the Word of God is true and that God of the Word is faithful and able to help me. When I don’t know what to do then I need to keep my eyes on Him. It is not a matter of feelings but faith. Both feelings or faith will gather whatever evidence to bring to the table, but feelings are never the best management for life; they have good intel, but are pretty much self-consumed and selfish!

During times like these, it is imperative that we make sure that we are fully open with even one person in our lives so that we can not allow any corners of our hearts and minds to be able to hide in darkness. To have one trusted friend who can love you when you are at your ugliest, is one of the greatest blessings you could ever have in life. May we have that friend and be that friend.

the pain of being untangled from lies and deception

If we personally value truth and honesty, we don’t want to have lies as part of our
relationships, situations or any part of our lives. But when we ask God to reveal and expose the lies in our lives- of ourselves and of those around us- it is amazing how painful and heart wrenching it can be.

I have recently come out of a situation where I didn’t know what was truth and what wasn’t and after so much pleading and seeking God about it all, when I was actually shown (and continue to be shown), it is so deeply painful that I have to make sure that I stay so close to God who is the only One able to counsel my heart that deeply.

This has shown me how staying ‘in the dark’ and ignorance can actually be more
comfortable than knowing the truth, which says a lot considering how much pain the insecurity of not knowing truth can cause to the mind, spirit, soul and relationships.

During this process it has been so painful and emotions such as anger, resentment,
pure guttedness, brokenness etc have got to be worked through so that they don’t stick around in my heart. The process to build is so much longer and energy consuming than the act of destroying. It takes only moments to trash a room but so much longer and more effort to get it back right again. And this is even more so with a human heart and spirit.

But one thing that I am grateful for is that God is with us and faithful and true and He would prefer me to go through this pain into freedom and value, rather than stay in a place that is confusing, upsetting, mentally all over the place and just slowly heart tearing. I love that He is unafraid of emotion and pain, and is with us through it all to bring us into freedom and truth more and more. He does not want us to settle for mental mind games and pain, or compromise value. He absolutely values each and every one of us and wants us to be fully unbound.

So I would really love to encourage you that if you desire truth, please do not go back to the comfort of deception when it gets painful and hard going. Keep moving towards full truth where you will find full value. To be healed is a painful process but one that we have a personal responsibility to take. If we don’t and we ignore symptoms of deception, then we will not only stay in low (or high) level pain, but we won’t be able to pave the way for those coming our way and who need help and guidance.

There is a song line that says “if you tolerate this, then your children will be next”. And this is so true. Let us take full responsibility to cut off everything that ties us so that we won’t end up being bound and impact for the worse whoever the ‘children’ are that we are raising.

a lesson from a psycho

A few months ago I listened to the testimony of a psychopath before and after Christ. His story was powerfully hard hitting and at the end he talks about how he is married with kids etc. I found this really difficult to understand as I thought that loving someone would be an emotional connection. But as I listened to his story unfold, I realised how I have been almost brainwashed in this western culture that love is all about feelings and they come and go and you just flow with them, but actually love is a choice that we have to make choices about daily (many times daily). The guy explained how although his life has been transformed and changed, he still does not have emotions, but he is able to know how to love as this is about choices and commitment. He gave the example about Jesus going to the cross. We know that Jesus prayed for this to be taken from Him, and yet submitted that desire to the greater act of Love that took Him to His horrific death.

How much we can learn from submitting our emotions to a Higher Authority.

How absolutely devastating is it to be “loved” by someone who doesn’t make the daily choices of love and therefore allows his (or her) heart and mind and attention to wander to others, and then find themselves “loving” someone else. This is such a deep betrayal that breaks hearts and trust and value, and ultimately tears families apart and breaks down communities.

We can see the western culture is all about how we feel- about ourselves (identities, sexualities, etc)- and there is no value in submitting our feelings and emotions to our previously made commitment or vow, or even to the truth of the matter. All we desire is to have our way and we make sure that we become the best lawyers to defend that this is the best way for us.

We are so self-consumed and selfish that we don’t consider how our decisions impact others- even those we have professed to “loving”. All this culture does is break hearts, trust and people. It creates further selfishness as everyone is protecting their own selves and not able to trust or confide in others.

This is not okay.

Let us not be like this. Let us rebel and rage against the system by loving others when it’s difficult, by staying true when we want to leave, and fighting for each other during dry or hard times. Let us make up our minds to love and be faithful and value this over our ever-changing fleshly desires.

Let us change the narrative and become a counter cultural resistance.